- Happiness - Spring is in the air!
- Sadness - May 10th will be the 4th anniversary of my mom's death.
- Hope (my sometimes friend, sometimes nemesis) - Maybe, just maybe, this cycle will work and I'll be pregnant by Mother's Day.
- Despair - Damn! My period has come and all hope is dashed.
- Frustration - My dad is being very unhelpful about the house cleaning project. He seems to think that his kids will take care of everything for him and he shouldn't have to lift a finger to clean out the house HE owns.
- Gratitude - For my amazing husband who has listened to all my rantings, hugged me as I cried and helped me find the energy to begin packing up my family's past.
Towards the end of the workday on Friday afternoon all my emotions bubbled over. To my horror, I was unable to hold my tears back. I did my best to hold myself together enough to rush out of the office to my car so I could unleash the total meltdown in private. My husband had people at our house so I drove to my parent's empty house, sat in the back yard (because I didn't have the house key on me) and sobbed uncontrollably. I felt like a total wreck. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I stop dwelling on my problems and concentrate on the good things in my life instead?
But you know what? It felt really damn good to acknowledge that there are things wrong in my life and it's okay for me to divulge in a little self pity. I've been so caught up in keeping myself distracted from my problems that I've actually been doing myself a disservice. Brushing my feelings under the carpet has only harmed my emotional state. That's why everything bubbled over on Friday - my emotions were tired of taking a backseat to my busy life. They wanted recognition too!
So, now I vow to put myself first, especially as I get through the next week. I will not feel bad for giving myself the time I need to process the pain I feel as I continue to struggle with my infertility, my strained relationship with my dad and my grief over losing my mom. I hereby declare this Ann Week! Happy or sad, I will wear my emotions on my sleeve and stop hiding them from the world.