Monday, May 7, 2012

Letting it all out

My emotions have been all over the spectrum lately.
  • Happiness - Spring is in the air! 
  • Sadness - May 10th will be the 4th anniversary of my mom's death.
  • Hope (my sometimes friend, sometimes nemesis) - Maybe, just maybe, this cycle will work and I'll be pregnant by Mother's Day.
  • Despair - Damn! My period has come and all hope is dashed.
  • Frustration - My dad is being very unhelpful about the house cleaning project. He seems to think that his kids will take care of everything for him and he shouldn't have to lift a finger to clean out the house HE owns. 
  • Gratitude - For my amazing husband who has listened to all my rantings, hugged me as I cried and helped me find the energy to begin packing up my family's past. 
Towards the end of the workday on Friday afternoon all my emotions bubbled over. To my horror, I was unable to hold my tears back. I did my best to hold myself together enough to rush out of the office to my car so I could unleash the total meltdown in private. My husband had people at our house so I drove to my parent's empty house, sat in the back yard (because I didn't have the house key on me) and sobbed uncontrollably. I felt like a total wreck. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I stop dwelling on my problems and concentrate on the good things in my life instead? 

But you know what? It felt really damn good to acknowledge that there are things wrong in my life and it's okay for me to divulge in a little self pity. I've been so caught up in keeping myself distracted from my problems that I've actually been doing myself a disservice. Brushing my feelings under the carpet has only harmed my emotional state. That's why everything bubbled over on Friday - my emotions were tired of taking a backseat to my busy life. They wanted recognition too! 

So, now I vow to put myself first, especially as I get through the next week. I will not feel bad for giving myself the time I need to process the pain I feel as I continue to struggle with my infertility, my strained relationship with my dad and my grief over losing my mom. I hereby declare this Ann Week! Happy or sad, I will wear my emotions on my sleeve and stop hiding them from the world. 



9 comments:

  1. Yay, I will celebrate Ann week! I will buy a special bottle of wine and chocolate bar on my way home tonight and give ya a little silent toast! I think taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do. IT is a gift not only for yourself but also to others in your life so that they can have your best you.

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    1. Thanks for celebrating with me! You're so right - I need to take care of myself so I can offer my best me to others. They deserve to have healthy Ann, not frazzled, emotional mess Ann.

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  2. Oh Ann, you absolutely deserve to put yourself first. You are being a super woman to everyone but you. Let May be your month - a month to celebrate sadness, happiness, craziness... It's so hard to admit to anyone, especially ourselves, that we are fragile, sad and lonely. You are so brave for wearing your emotions on the outside. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you! I feel much better today, but I will not be afraid if I feel the need to be sad again.

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  3. You describe it as self-pity, but I don't think it's that, at all. It's a normal response to things that are sad, and even though there are good things in your life too, as you recognize, that doesn't mean you don't also need to feel the emotions associated with the former. So yes, take the time you need to honor those emotions. I'll be joining Sunshine in that wine and chocolate bar toast to you. Happy Ann Week!

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    1. I feel so special that people are toasting me around the world. Thank you! I'll be dedicating a special toast to all of you wonderful ladies tonight. :)

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  4. I will toast my glass of water to you because you are such an amazing woman! There is nothing wrong with having a good cry. I wish I could be as brave as to wear my emotions on my sleeve but maybe you have just given me a push in the right direction =)

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    1. It's scary to put yourself out there. I'm so used to hiding behind a happy mask, but it really has felt good to let myself feel cruddy. Enjoy that glass of water for me! ;)

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