I hate May. There's too many sad memories in May. May is the last time I saw my mom alive (I can't remember if I hugged her good-bye or not and I hate that I can't remember). May is when she was snatched from my life. May is when we planned her funeral. May is when I saw her laid out in a casket (I really hate this memory). May is when I cried more tears than I ever thought humanly possible.
May also holds Mother's Day in the U.S. What a loathsome holiday. People should appreciate their moms every day, not just on a commercialized holiday (Hindsight is 20/20 - I really wish I had followed this creed when my mom was still alive). Mother's Day is a horrible slap in the face for a motherless daughter and for an infertile... it's a double whammy for my poor soul. It's a constant reminder of all I have lost and all I have yet to achieve.
This May I have decided to stay away from Facebook, TV commercials and the greeting card aisle until Mother's Day has passed. Sure, I'll still be exposed to other reminders and advertisements (They're so persistent that it's hard to miss them), but I can at least try to limit the amount that I see. I do not need to let myself get sucked in the abyss.
Easier said than done. May will still be hard, but I'll get through it one way or another. It doesn't help that I'm also nearing the end of my cycle. I'm anticipating another BFN before next week hits - I'm anticipating it because hoping for a positive is too scary. I can't let myself hope too much, not this month when my spirits will already be dangerously low. (Sorry ladies, I probably won't be much of an optimist for the next couple weeks.)
Hurry up, May. Let's get this over with!