The annual hibernation of the Infertile Ann

The Infertile Ann is a rare breed that resides in a suburban area of the Midwest. Her habitat is a three bedroom, ranch-style home situated on a half acre lot. She keeps the interior of her home semi-clean and orderly and occasionally attempts to tame the weeds that tenaciously invade her flower beds. Her diet consists mainly of grains, chicken, beef, vegetables, berries, yogurt and chocolate. She does not like hunting and gathering and usually sends her mate to the grocery store to buy sustenance for their household. Her mating habits include obsessively charting her cycle, scheduling intercourse with her mate on her most fertile days and spending the remaining days of her cycle googling perceived early pregnancy symptoms. She has never once reached her goal of pregnancy but she still labors on with a silly sense of hope.


She ventures out of the house every weekday to spend about eight hours staring at a computer screen at her office job. This job provides monetary support for herself and her mate, which they usually spend on cell phone bills, restaurant dinners and clothing. Her activities outside of the office include hiking, singing, watching movies, reading books and volunteering for various community organizations. The infertile Ann is a contradictory animal - she enjoys socializing with other animals but she also craves moments of solitude within her home habitat (affectionately referred to as her cave).


She frequently opts to hibernate in her cave on the second weekend of May, when the majority of her species celebrates the state of motherhood. The Infertile Ann will sleep long hours, stay in her pajamas for a majority of the day and spend sporadic moments crying about her inability to breed offspring and the absence of a mother in her life. She will avoid all forms of social media and TV commercials in an effort to decrease her exposure to the motherhood celebration. She will venture out to buy a card for her mate's mother but will stubbornly refuse to read anything but the humorous cards. The Infertile Ann abhors sappy messages relating to the joys of having and being a mother. 


Once the dreaded second weekend of May is done the Infertile Ann will rise with her alarm, perform her usual grooming techniques and emerge from her cave. She will tentatively begin to search social media outlets in an effort to reconnect with those she has ignored for the past week. Her mood may gradually improve now that the persistent reminders of the motherhood celebration are gone. In fact, she will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders now that her species is done focusing on motherhood... and she will thankfully stop wasting so many beautiful days inside her cave.