!!!!

A strange thing happened the other day and I must admit that I am still partially in shock over it. I saw it, the elusive second pink line that I have long sought. Yes, that's right - for the first time in my whole life I held a positive home pregnancy test in my nervous hands. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, but no matter how many times I blinked it was still there. 

Elation struck quickly, coupled with a torrent of happy tears. I sent a multitude of "thank you's" and "please, please, please let this stick" out into the universe. I prayed, I thanked God (and my mom) for sending me this miracle, and I cursed myself for waiting until J had left for work before taking the test. I wish he could have been there to share my joy. Instead, the dog ran circles around me as I freaked out. At least I had someone to celebrate with. (The cat didn't seem to much care about my jubilation). 

Since that day I have taken three more tests and they have also been positive. J and I are excited, scared, joyful and terrified all at once. I am only six weeks pregnant and there is no guarantee that this will result in a healthy baby. I am trying not to be anxious and trying to stay optimistic, but that's easier said than done. 

The same thoughts keeping running through my head:

This is real, this is really real!

and

Please, please, please let this result in a healthy baby. I am so ready to meet our firstborn!

Finding hope in Mother Nature

I live in a climate that sees much seasonal change. I've always enjoyed experiencing all that each season has to offer. I love the warm, hazy days of summer - the overabundance of blooming vegetation; clear blue skies filled with white, fluffy clouds; walking bare foot through the grass; and letting the sounds of a thunderstorm lull me to sleep. Autumn also fills my heart with gladness - the harvest of so many delectable foods, pulling out comfy sweaters to combat the crisp air, pumpkins! (I love pumpkin flavored foods), and the gorgeous array of colors. 

The fall colors were spectacular here this year. 

The majesty of autumn. I don't like to say that I have a favorite season, but I am quite partial to fall. 

And then the leaves fall, leaving behind a drab landscape. The days begin to grow even colder and the first light dusting of snow appears. I love seeing the dull, brown earth blanketed in a clean layer of white. I love bundling up to go snowshoeing in the woods. I pull out my really thick sweater, don comfy wool socks and enjoy tromping through the snow. The woods are so quiet and pure on a cold winter's day. I even love trudging down a snow-filled sidewalk in the middle of town. I enjoy brushing the snow off my car and driving on the slick streets - it makes every day feel like an adventure. 

Taken on a recent winter snowshoe trek

Above all, I love that underneath that beautiful layer of snow the world is beginning anew. Winter is a time for the earth to recharge, to shed the old and prepare for the new. Magically, as the season begins to change, the dirty piles of melting snow recede to reveal the first green glimpse of spring. It's a magnificent cycle that showcases Mother Nature's genius.

Now, as the world around me waits in wintry anticipation for the arrival of spring, I like to imagine that my body is doing the same. I've been spending a lot of time nourishing myself - acupuncture, herbal supplements, eating right, sleeping well. Perhaps this time of nourishment will reawaken my fertility - maybe my spring revival is just around the corner.

Taken last spring - this tiny crocus was the first thing to bloom in our yard.

Recapping my not so glamorous fall/winter

I know I disappeared for awhile and some of you may be wondering what I've been up to. I wish I could say that amazing things have happened in my absence, but they really haven't. Life has been sliding by rather uneventfully over the past few months. 

This fall I participated in a community theater show. It was a musical so there was a large cast full of delightful people. My niece and nephew joined me in the ensemble, which I absolutely loved. I'd never shared the stage with any relatives before so it was a real treat. 

The holidays flew by in a blur of calorie-laden food and family get-togethers. We hosted J's family Christmas for the first time. This seemed to be a big deal for J. He went a bit overboard with presents and decorating, and I went a bit overboard with baking. My family enjoyed a few days together at my dad's home. We spent the days playing in the snow and huddled by the big fireplace in the evenings... and ate. My family can't help but gorge ourselves when we all gather together. 

I actually ended up getting my period when I was at my dad's. I was extremely moody in the days leading up to Christmas and my period was a couple days late, so naturally I began to hope. Seriously, I don't know if I've ever been that moody before. Everything pissed me off... everything! Then I started to get pissed because it was Christmas and I didn't want to be pissed. Poor J, he took my mood swings like a champ. 

I just got my period again the other day and thankfully it did not begin with the same bout of moodiness. I don't know if I could handle it two months in a row!

I've been seeing an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility issues since late September. I find the treatments extremely relaxing and have been noticing subtle changes in my body. My period cramps are now almost non-existent (okay, this is actually a HUGE change), I generally feel more relaxed and well-rested, and my PMS symptoms have been lessened (except for the pre-Christmas mood swings from hell). I'd like to think that I'm on the right path, but I still have doubts. I'm not getting any younger. Can I afford to spend so many months on this or should I move ahead with other treatments? I waver back and forth. 

At the moment I am whiling away the last few moments at work. It's been a slow day and I'm looking forward to going home. It is absolutely frigid outside so I am not exactly looking forward to heading out into the cold, but luckily I know I have a cozy chair and a cuddly dog waiting at home. 

Time

Time - something that I never seem to have enough of. I'm not exactly sure where it goes but I'm always grasping for more. Days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months.. and even worse yet, the months slowly trickle by and become years. 



Case(s) in point: 

• The fifth anniversary of my mom's death is approaching. How can it be possible that I've lived that long without her? Sometimes I still feel like she's just a phone call away.

• In a recent bathroom cleaning frenzy I unearthed a bottle of folic acid prescribed to me in August of 2009. Oh, the early days of our fertility journey (before the insufferable prefix in had been tacked onto fertility)

• A recent message from Bébé Suisse reminded me that it's been far too long since I logged onto the bloggie world. Wow, it wasn't my intent to fall off the face of bloggie earth, but it appears that I did. Thank you, Elizabeth, for casting me a rope and bringing me back from the brink.

The brink - it's been an up and down kind of week. My dear beloved monthly visitor arrived a few days early and startled me out of my TWW anxiety/bliss. Apparently this was not to be our month, but my ever-optimistic inner self bounced back after yesterday's lovely acupuncture appointment (seriously, my most relaxing appointment yet. I spent the rest of the day swathed in a cocoon of bliss). Today I'm feeling down again. Perhaps it's the gloomy weather, or hormones, or... well, does there even have to be a reason why? I'm down and not afraid to admit it. (The upside to feeling down is that I had no remorse about treating myself to a chai latte and chocolate scone this morning). 

So, here I am again. Finding time to vent. And I admit, this feels pretty good - I really must do this again soon...