Monday, April 30, 2012

Ballerinas make me feel better

I woke up Saturday morning with visions of dancers in my head. Later that day I was planning on seeing three of nieces perform in their dance recital. My sister and her daughter, and my dad and his girlfriend were on their way to town for the recital and I hunkered down with a book to wait for their arrival. Then I got the text that spoiled my uplifted mood -  a friend of mine (Friend 1) texted to warn me that a mutual friend (Friend 2) had just discovered she was pregnant. Friend 1 was well aware that Friend 2 would be unable to hide her excitement and the news would soon hit Facebook. Friend 2 had recently gotten married. Her new husband had a vasectomy a few years ago but decided to reverse it so he and his new bride could create little ones of their own. Friend 2 was very excited about the prospect of becoming a new mommy – so excited that she let her Facebook friends know when her husband was going in for his reversal surgery. That was on April 11th. On April 28th she did a HPT and found out she was pregnant. 

Whoa, that was quick!

Of course I’m excited for her, but I am devastated for myself. I feel so inadequate. I have tried for three years to create another life and have so far been met only with failure and heartache. She tries for two weeks and BAM!, it’s done.

My good mood was dashed after receiving that news. I curled into a little ball and cried my eyes out.  I looked at the clock and realized my family would arrive soon, so I hopped in the shower to clear my head. Instead, I ended up sobbing as the water rushed over me and my broken body. 

I got dressed, my family arrived, and we headed to the theater to see our lovely girls perform. I tried hard to concentrate on my nieces and ignore all the gloomy thoughts in my head. The theater was full of families with young kids, the stage was full of cute little ballerinas. I tried not to think about how my daughter would look in a tutu, or how my little son would look in tap shoes. Instead, I looked for my nieces and marveled in how much they had grown. The oldest was now dancing elegantly on pointe shoes, the youngest suddenly looked so tall. They were beautiful on stage, these young ladies that share my DNA. Gone were the babies that I cared for. In their place were young, talented women.

Watching them perform filled me with such pride that I momentarily forgot my troubles. My family and I went out for a nice dinner after the recital and my sister and I stayed up late, talking and giggling about nothing in particular. My family to the rescue once again - my spirits were lifted and I went to bed with a much lighter heart.


  1. What! Is she sure it's his ...!? I thought it took a while after a reversal for the sperm to start flowing. That seems way too quick. How could the poor guy even do the deed so soon after having had his balls cut open and poked around in?

    And has Facebook really become the place to talk about vasectomy reversals? ... lordie.

    But more importantly, I'm sorry (and understand why) it made you feel so bad, and I'm happy that your time with family lifted your spirits.

  2. Wow the things we share on Facebook these days, never ceases to amaze me. Like Elizabeth said above I can't believe his little swimmers were ready to go in 2 weeks! Hugs to you my dear!

  3. Apparently they only had to wait a couple days before copulating and she just happened to ovulate at that time. Some people have all the luck.

  4. Me again. I will refrain from commenting on that *#$&ing "luck," but will tell you that I gave you the One Lovely Blog Award. Come and see why, if you would like:

  5. Facebook is seriously an infertile's nightmare. During my IUI a couple months ago, I deliberately banned it from myself, as it was just too heartbreaking. I feel your pain.

    Good for you for going with your family and finding the beauty in your day. This journey is so tumultuous and it's wonderful that you were able to find laughter with your family.

    And don't forget that one day it WILL be you watching your daughter in her tutu and your son in his tap shoes. And what a wonderful day that will be! :)