Monday, April 9, 2012

Feeling as fragile as an egg

What a whirlwind weekend full of music, family and LOTS of food. I'm not a particularly religious person but I love to sing so I get asked to sing at plenty of religious engagements. I sang a duet on Good Friday that I know my mom would have loved (Andrew Lloyd Weber's "Pie Jesu", for those who may be familiar with it). I almost teared up in the middle of my performance because she was in the forefront of my mind. 

She was there for most of the weekend as I prepared to host Easter Brunch for the first time. I remembered so many holidays that she meticulously planned, right down to matching Easter outfits for her seven grandchildren and elaborate Easter baskets for the whole family. I didn't get as elaborate as she used to but I kept certain traditions alive, such as an Easter egg hunt for the kids and serving her special egg bake. It's a bittersweet sensation, having to readjust our family traditions to fit our new motherless family. It's comforting to keep certain traditions alive, but also exciting to discover new possibilities. 

On Saturday my brothers, sister and I did a walk-through of our parents house. We pointed out items that we would like to disperse among the family, items to be taken to our dad's new home and items that we can't wait to get rid of (Anyone want a large collection of National Geographics? Or a 1979 set of encyclopedias?) Once again, I was caught between the comfort of being with my siblings in our childhood home, and the desire to prepare the house for a new family. I've always got one foot stuck in the past and another in the present... and yet another foot in the future (when my children will be born). I don't have enough feet to express all I feel when I think about where my life is currently at. I'm caught between savoring my memories, treading water in the present and dreaming of the future. 

I was such a mess of emotions by the end of the weekend that I almost started crying during my choir rehearsal last night. We were in the middle of singing a particularly beautiful song and I was so moved by the sound we were creating and the underlying sadness I had been suppressing all weekend. I poured so much of myself into that song that I felt ready to break down. I managed to hold it together somehow, and I'm still holding it together. I haven't really had a moment to myself in days and I'm one of those people who would rather keep her emotional outbursts to herself. So tonight I am determined to make time for myself so that I can process everything I've been feeling.  I want to really savor the emotions and let the tears fall freely. This private soul needs a moment to unleash!

I hope you've all given yourselves a chance to unleash lately, because Lord knows we could all use a good cry every now and again.

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