Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Ouch!! (Physically and mentally speaking)

I rode my wave of hope as long as I possibly could but everything came crashing down on me Tuesday morning. I woke up feeling great - spotting was gone, no sign of any cramps. I hopped in the shower to get ready for work and let my mind wander...if I could just make it a couple more days without my period I would try another pregnancy test...maybe I could get that good news just in time for my birthday!

Then the cramps started to hit. I tried to quickly finish up my shower so I could grab my pain killers but the pain suddenly intensified. Soon I was in a ball on the bathroom floor sobbing in pain. I dragged myself to the bed and found my phone so I could text J, who was already at work. I asked to him to come home right away. My pain was so intense that I started freaking out - what if I had an ectopic pregnancy? What if something else was seriously wrong? This kind of pain was not normal. J arrived and I managed to sputter out that I wanted him to take me to the hospital. He helped me get dressed and we were soon on our way.

As we drove my pain began to decrease but I knew I still wanted to be seen by someone. We checked into the ER and I was soon laying on a hospital bed hooked up to an IV. My pain had dissipated but I was still worried. The ER doc ordered a pregnancy test and got me set up for a pelvic exam. It was then that I noticed that I had started to bleed. Great, I thought, they're just going to chalk this up to period cramps and send me on my way. The pregnancy test was, of course, negative. I was devastated and felt like the staff thought I was overreacting. I told the doc that I had endometriosis and he said perhaps the cramps were just a symptom of my endo.

Just?! Why don't I give you a uterus so you can feel a woman's pain, buddy! Your lack of empathy is really starting to get on my nerves. I came here because I was in an excruciating amount of pain and I was scared. You're a doctor - now fix me, damn it!

The doc ordered an ultrasound and J and I waited for what felt like forever to get the results. It turns out I had a ruptured ovarian cyst. The doc gave me some pain meds and sent me on my way. My "official" diagnosis was endometriosis (Well, duh. I already knew I had that, Mr. Idiot Doctor) with an ovarian cyst.

J dropped me off at home before he headed back to work. We had wasted almost a complete day in the ER and I knew he had to check on things at his office. I threw myself on the couch and sobbed - the really gut-wrenching, heartbreaking kind of sob fest that leaves you feeling cleansed yet exhausted when you're done. I was so upset that I had let myself think I was actually pregnant and I was so humiliated by the lack of compassion that every staff member at the ER had shown me.

I called my real doctor's office to fill them in on what had happened. Thankfully the hospital had already emailed them my ultrasound pics. The nurse was very sympathetic and said that ruptured cysts can really hurt. Finally, someone realized how much pain I had been in! She had my doctor look over the ultrasound and reported that he had found nothing out of the ordinary - other than that cyst, of course. Supposedly the cyst will resolve itself and I can go back to baby making next month.

So, now that I've wasted so much hope and optimism on one cycle I have to start storing up a new batch for my next. It's going to take me a few days to gather the strength to create this new batch, but I know it will come. It always does.

In the meantime, thank you so much for all your kind words. This online support group is definitely one of the bright spots of my infertile existence. I truly appreciate each and every one of you!


  1. Gosh, that sounds scary along with painful. Sorry you had that crappy doctor! I hope you are feeling better today. The mental part of starting a new cycle might take a few days so no pressure on the optimist part. hugs and wishes

  2. Oh Ann, I'm so sorry! That sounds like a horrible experience and AF on top of the cyst(which I know are SO painful!!)?! What a crappy day. Sending you love and hugs over the next few days. Take 'er easy. XO

  3. I am so so so sorry. I hate endo - it seriously ruins my life every month. I'm so sorry you are feeling blue and that you had to go through the ER experience. And ruptured ovarian cyst! WTF?

    The good news is you are one cycle closer to your baby. The best is yet to come. Hugs.

  4. I'm so sorry, that sounds horrible and then having such a "compassionate" doctor. At least the nurse was understanding. Hugs!

  5. Oh, that sounds terrible, physically and emotionally. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, especially with medical staff who were less than empathetic. I love what Alicia said - that each cycle brings you one closer to baby. Hold on to that idea as you keep moving forward. Love from afar xo