!!!!

A strange thing happened the other day and I must admit that I am still partially in shock over it. I saw it, the elusive second pink line that I have long sought. Yes, that's right - for the first time in my whole life I held a positive home pregnancy test in my nervous hands. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, but no matter how many times I blinked it was still there. 

Elation struck quickly, coupled with a torrent of happy tears. I sent a multitude of "thank you's" and "please, please, please let this stick" out into the universe. I prayed, I thanked God (and my mom) for sending me this miracle, and I cursed myself for waiting until J had left for work before taking the test. I wish he could have been there to share my joy. Instead, the dog ran circles around me as I freaked out. At least I had someone to celebrate with. (The cat didn't seem to much care about my jubilation). 

Since that day I have taken three more tests and they have also been positive. J and I are excited, scared, joyful and terrified all at once. I am only six weeks pregnant and there is no guarantee that this will result in a healthy baby. I am trying not to be anxious and trying to stay optimistic, but that's easier said than done. 

The same thoughts keeping running through my head:

This is real, this is really real!

and

Please, please, please let this result in a healthy baby. I am so ready to meet our firstborn!

Finding hope in Mother Nature

I live in a climate that sees much seasonal change. I've always enjoyed experiencing all that each season has to offer. I love the warm, hazy days of summer - the overabundance of blooming vegetation; clear blue skies filled with white, fluffy clouds; walking bare foot through the grass; and letting the sounds of a thunderstorm lull me to sleep. Autumn also fills my heart with gladness - the harvest of so many delectable foods, pulling out comfy sweaters to combat the crisp air, pumpkins! (I love pumpkin flavored foods), and the gorgeous array of colors. 

The fall colors were spectacular here this year. 

The majesty of autumn. I don't like to say that I have a favorite season, but I am quite partial to fall. 

And then the leaves fall, leaving behind a drab landscape. The days begin to grow even colder and the first light dusting of snow appears. I love seeing the dull, brown earth blanketed in a clean layer of white. I love bundling up to go snowshoeing in the woods. I pull out my really thick sweater, don comfy wool socks and enjoy tromping through the snow. The woods are so quiet and pure on a cold winter's day. I even love trudging down a snow-filled sidewalk in the middle of town. I enjoy brushing the snow off my car and driving on the slick streets - it makes every day feel like an adventure. 

Taken on a recent winter snowshoe trek

Above all, I love that underneath that beautiful layer of snow the world is beginning anew. Winter is a time for the earth to recharge, to shed the old and prepare for the new. Magically, as the season begins to change, the dirty piles of melting snow recede to reveal the first green glimpse of spring. It's a magnificent cycle that showcases Mother Nature's genius.

Now, as the world around me waits in wintry anticipation for the arrival of spring, I like to imagine that my body is doing the same. I've been spending a lot of time nourishing myself - acupuncture, herbal supplements, eating right, sleeping well. Perhaps this time of nourishment will reawaken my fertility - maybe my spring revival is just around the corner.

Taken last spring - this tiny crocus was the first thing to bloom in our yard.

Recapping my not so glamorous fall/winter

I know I disappeared for awhile and some of you may be wondering what I've been up to. I wish I could say that amazing things have happened in my absence, but they really haven't. Life has been sliding by rather uneventfully over the past few months. 

This fall I participated in a community theater show. It was a musical so there was a large cast full of delightful people. My niece and nephew joined me in the ensemble, which I absolutely loved. I'd never shared the stage with any relatives before so it was a real treat. 

The holidays flew by in a blur of calorie-laden food and family get-togethers. We hosted J's family Christmas for the first time. This seemed to be a big deal for J. He went a bit overboard with presents and decorating, and I went a bit overboard with baking. My family enjoyed a few days together at my dad's home. We spent the days playing in the snow and huddled by the big fireplace in the evenings... and ate. My family can't help but gorge ourselves when we all gather together. 

I actually ended up getting my period when I was at my dad's. I was extremely moody in the days leading up to Christmas and my period was a couple days late, so naturally I began to hope. Seriously, I don't know if I've ever been that moody before. Everything pissed me off... everything! Then I started to get pissed because it was Christmas and I didn't want to be pissed. Poor J, he took my mood swings like a champ. 

I just got my period again the other day and thankfully it did not begin with the same bout of moodiness. I don't know if I could handle it two months in a row!

I've been seeing an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility issues since late September. I find the treatments extremely relaxing and have been noticing subtle changes in my body. My period cramps are now almost non-existent (okay, this is actually a HUGE change), I generally feel more relaxed and well-rested, and my PMS symptoms have been lessened (except for the pre-Christmas mood swings from hell). I'd like to think that I'm on the right path, but I still have doubts. I'm not getting any younger. Can I afford to spend so many months on this or should I move ahead with other treatments? I waver back and forth. 

At the moment I am whiling away the last few moments at work. It's been a slow day and I'm looking forward to going home. It is absolutely frigid outside so I am not exactly looking forward to heading out into the cold, but luckily I know I have a cozy chair and a cuddly dog waiting at home. 

Time

Time - something that I never seem to have enough of. I'm not exactly sure where it goes but I'm always grasping for more. Days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months.. and even worse yet, the months slowly trickle by and become years. 



Case(s) in point: 

• The fifth anniversary of my mom's death is approaching. How can it be possible that I've lived that long without her? Sometimes I still feel like she's just a phone call away.

• In a recent bathroom cleaning frenzy I unearthed a bottle of folic acid prescribed to me in August of 2009. Oh, the early days of our fertility journey (before the insufferable prefix in had been tacked onto fertility)

• A recent message from Bébé Suisse reminded me that it's been far too long since I logged onto the bloggie world. Wow, it wasn't my intent to fall off the face of bloggie earth, but it appears that I did. Thank you, Elizabeth, for casting me a rope and bringing me back from the brink.

The brink - it's been an up and down kind of week. My dear beloved monthly visitor arrived a few days early and startled me out of my TWW anxiety/bliss. Apparently this was not to be our month, but my ever-optimistic inner self bounced back after yesterday's lovely acupuncture appointment (seriously, my most relaxing appointment yet. I spent the rest of the day swathed in a cocoon of bliss). Today I'm feeling down again. Perhaps it's the gloomy weather, or hormones, or... well, does there even have to be a reason why? I'm down and not afraid to admit it. (The upside to feeling down is that I had no remorse about treating myself to a chai latte and chocolate scone this morning). 

So, here I am again. Finding time to vent. And I admit, this feels pretty good - I really must do this again soon... 

Catching up

Oh my goodness, ladies. I'm sorry it's been so long! It's been a busy summer and I haven't logged on in quite awhile. I do intend to catch up on what you have all been doing but in the meantime here's a little recap of my latest happenings:

• Our Amtrak vacation was amazing. We got a little stir crazy towards the end of the train trip but thoroughly enjoyed ourselves in Glacier National Park and Portland, OR. We did lots of hiking in Glacier and I can officially say that I am in love with the landscape. I'm looking forward to a return visit so we can further explore the park. Portland was a bit more low-key since we spent most of our time there visiting with long-lost friends. Our friends have a lovely nine month old boy who instantly won our affections. I usually avoid spending time with babies because it makes my heart ache but I'm happy that I had the chance to get to know this little guy. Meeting him has further strengthened my resolve to continue our journey towards parenthood. 
• More time at the lake. We visited my dad at his lake abode and savored one last weekend of summer weather. Fall is now in the air so I'm glad we had the opportunity to splash around in the lake while the temps were still warm.
• Some sad news - my OBGYN passed away very suddenly. He has been with us on our infertility journey for the past couple years. He administered all of my fertility tests and diagnosed me with endometriosis. He was a very kind-hearted doctor who always made me feel at ease (especially before surgery!). I'm at a loss for how I can ever replace him. In the movie in my mind he was the one who helped us deliver our long-sought-for firstborn. Unfortunately, this fantasy is not to be. 
• New tactics - I've decided to pursue acupuncture fertility treatments. I was already mulling this over in my head before the shocking news about my doctor. I'm tired of western drugs and their nasty side effects. I'd like to pursue a more natural method for awhile. Perhaps my body will respond better to this, perhaps it won't. I'm willing to spend a few months experimenting. My first appointment is this Saturday and I'm anxiously waiting to get started!

So there you have my news in a nutshell. I'll leave you with some pics of our recent vacation and with a promise to catch up on all your blogs soon!

Our train

Up close and personal with a glacier.

Enjoying the view

Busy bee

Busy may as well be my middle name. I’m sorry to have been neglecting all my friends here in bloggie world, but my real life has been holding me hostage. I will probably also be very scarce for the next month since it is chock full of plans. My aunt is visiting us this week and this weekend we are all heading to Chicago for a family reunion. I’m really looking forward to this, aside from one simple fact (and I would love to get everyone’s opinion on this) – the reunion is for my mom’s side of the family but my dad will be bringing his girlfriend to the party. This strikes me as very odd since this woman is obviously not a relation and I feel like her presence is a snub towards my mom. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being overly sensitive, but it weirds me out.

After our Chicago excursion we will have less than a week to prepare for our two week vacation extravaganza - J and I are taking the Amtrak out to Oregon to visit some friends. On the way we will make a four day stop at Glacier National Park. We’ve never traveled by Amtrak before but it sounds like an adventuresome way to experience the landscape of the western U.S. I’ve flown out to Oregon twice and each time I felt very wistful as I looked out the window at the vast mountain ranges below. Now we will view them up close and personal, and we won’t be driving so we’ll really be able to savor the view.

Next week is also our seven year wedding anniversary. Hard to believe that that many years have already gone by. We’re obviously not where I thought we would be family-building wise but we’re still in love and our relationship is strong. In that regard I am a very lucky woman. 

So the moral of the story is – I’m sorry that I’ve been, and will continue to be, absent. I am reading your posts when I can but I don’t always have a chance to comment. I miss interacting with you and hope that everyone is doing well!

A shiny distraction

In my last post I mentioned the longing I felt when two adorable children visited my office. It's true, I was smitten and filled with such a wistful sense of hope. Soon after posting to my blog I took a bathroom break where I was promptly met with the onslaught of my period - two days early!

What?! Why, oh why did the universe send such lovely children to visit me, thus inflaming my maternal instincts, only to instantly dash all of my hopes? I was momentarily crushed.

Momentarily, I say, because a shiny new toy was waiting for me at home. That afternoon J had gone to pick up our new car. I was beyond excited to get home and see it. That excitement has carried me through the last few days. Am I sad that I got my period? Of course. But the delicious distraction of driving a brand new car is enough to buoy my spirits. I've been driving the same car since 1999 so owning a 2013 model thoroughly blows my mind. Power windows and locks, a CD player, more cargo room... yes, mind officially blown. (I know, I am easily pleased). 

But the universe wasn't done with me yet. (Apparently it craves my tears and isn't satisfied until I have my monthly infertility meltdown.) Over the weekend a coworker's baby was born. Facebook exploded with pictures and baby talk abounded at the office yesterday. Fine, I could handle it. I had my own four-wheeled bundle of joy to discuss. Today another coworker became a grandfather for the first time, which meant more baby talk ensued. I could feel my happy new-car-plated armor beginning to crack. 

So I took my lunch break and drove the new car around town. Ah, happiness restored.

Our new baby
Rugged-looking road not included. I guess we'll have to find our own. :)